It'll be alright :)

So today I went to the doctor AGAIN. This time to see the OB/GYN Dr. Anderson. I didn't have to pay a co-pay this time (sweet!). He pretty much explained to me what PCOS is. I just patiently listened to him. I didn't want to tell him I had looked up every website known to man over the past year and knew exactly what it was. Better to let him feel like the professional (feed the male ego. lol) He was very nice but I hope when I do get pregnant I can go back to seeing the midwife. Until then Dr. Anderson told me he wants to see me as my condition makes me higher risk :/

Instead of the Clomid he put me on Metformin. Honestly, I am A-OK with this :) The more I thought about the Clomid the more worried I was getting. Yes, I want to have a baby, but the thought of possibly being pregnant before the end of April was scaring me. Chris and I still have debt that needs to be paid and things to fix at the house. Plus, when you take Clomid your chances of a multiple birth goes up (1 in 10). Chris already has 4. Mary and Ethan are twins... We do not need twins. lol. If I can get ONE fat healthy baby I'll be happy.

 So the doc wrote the prescription and told me he wants to see me every month for the next 3 months. The Metformin should stabilize my insulin, which in turn will help me lose weight, which in turn will hopefully allow me to naturally start my cycles again. I'm much happier with this. Maybe I'll get a bit more time without a bun in the oven and get some things done, and lose some weight so I'll be a healthier preggo when the time comes. I went and got the Metformin filled and started taking it today. So far so good.

AND the kids birthday party went great :) we didn't have many people from their elementary school come but I know with  ball season and the fact it was on a Sunday didn't help, but it was great having  our families together. What's most important is that the kids had a great time. The weather was great (I was afraid it would be too hot on Gabe) and the food was awesome, and the cake was even BETTER! The wind was even blowing hard enough to fly kites :) I go to pick up our pictures from TS Photography tomorrow! So glad I decided to have someone take pics, b/c I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It's just awesome knowing that the kids have sooo many people that care about them and love them :) They are four very lucky kiddos.

Well, I'm going to hop off here and get some rest. Busy day tomorrow. Going to start putting in some apps. Logans can kisssssss ittttttttt.

Chocolate chip cookies.

So since going to the doctor I have debated whether or not to continue to blog about my personal health. At times it almost seems too personal. I feel like I want to keep it a secret. Not sure how to explain why I feel that way, but I do.

PCOS is THE most common reason for infertility, but yet when I mention it to people they have no clue what I'm talking about. And yes, more than likely I will be able to have a baby. But really the word INFERTILE stings, and every time I go to the doctor and they say it... it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I went to the doctor again Monday for the ovarian ultrasound and labs. I have to say that as much as I'm beginning to hate going to the doctor I LOVE my midwife. I think she is a hippie angel. lol. really. She told me before I went to the ultrasound room that if I had cystic ovaries they would look like pearls or Swiss cheese or chocolate chip cookies... I thought they looked most like chocolate chip cookies. My ovary being the "cookie" and the cysts or follicles being the "chocolate chips". kinda gross. It was clear as can be and they didn't even wait for my labs to come back to put the official diagnosis on file.

What now?

Well, I go back next Monday to see an OB/GYN at the same office. From what I understood from my midwife I will take a prescription to jump start my cycle and then begin taking Clomid. I'm nervous and I'm scared. Yes, this is what I want, but I keep asking myself am I really ready? Everything will change. 80% of women who take Clomid will ovulate and 50% will get pregnant. Who knew that getting knocked up was so hard? Am I ready to add an infant to the mix? Am I ready for the disappointment if the Clomid doesn't work for me?

And I'm a pansy. I don't want to be sick :( I haven't thrown up in over a decade. seriously. I do not want to break the record now.

And Lord help Chris and I if we have multiples. I won't even think about it.

Tomorrow is picture day and as soon as Gabe got home today he said, "Put on the bathing suits and wear for picture day!" No can do pal :( Although that would be pretty funny.

This Sunday is the kids big bday bash. I'm sooo very excited for this! I love that our families will get to socialize and that the kids will have friends from school come to see them. It should be a blast! I just hope it doesn't rain :/

And Joey turns 9 tomorrow :) They are growing up soo fast. He is getting so tall (still skinny), and he has improved by leaps and bounds socially and academically. His vocabulary has sky rocketed the past year :) I am soo proud of him!

Well I need to get off here and get the kids stuff ready for tomorrow.

A lot on my mind...

So for the past few weeks I have had a lot on my mind. It's not really stressing me out, just wondering, day dreaming, contemplating...

I have went to the doctor several times the past few weeks, and I feel really blessed that Chris is able to get wonderful health insurance through Roper :) I haven't been able to visit a doctor in years unless I was near death. Visiting a womens doctor was out of the question so I went to the health dept for years. I have suspected for the past year or so that I may have PCOS, but as I have plenty of things to occupy my mind it stayed far in the back, squished in a corner.

Today I went to see Juanita Johnson. She was wonderful and as far as I'm concerned I will continue to see her. Kinda eccentric and lots of energy :) and she talked to me like I was a person not just a number. When she was asking me all the new patient questions she got to the one where they have to ask if you do any illegal drugs and she flat out asked if I smoked weed. baha. So anyways they did my annual exam nothing weird about that except the usual weird feeling you get when a strangers face and hands are all over you. Then she asked about my irregular periods. I told her, there is really not much to tell. When I'm on BC I have a period when I'm not, I don't. So she went through a list of PCOS symptoms with me and I had all of them but one :( Having PCOS doesn't mean I can't conceive, but it won't be as simple as just having sex for fun. I go next Monday for an ovarian ultrasound and blood tests. It's pretty much to confirm what she already suspects. We even discussed my options once I am diagnosed.

I guess what I've been thinking about the most is that I wanted to have this perfect pregnancy, without complications, and without being high risk. It's possible that all that can still happen but my chances of gestational diabetes (I'm already insulin resistant), preeclampsia, and miscarriage go up. I was so positive at first but I can feel myself literally being worn down. It seems like everyone gets pregnant so easily or it just accidentally happens... I'm not obsessed with having a baby at this point which brings me to another reason why my mind is in over drive.

I take care of four now, and I'm not getting the big head or anything but I think I do a fairly good job at being Step-mom. I want to be able to give my very best to my little baby. Will I be able to? I don't want to wait  too long to have a baby. Gabe just turned 10 at the beginning of the month and the twins will turn 7 at the end of the month. My little sister and I are almost a decade apart and I know first hand how difficult it can be growing up with a sibling that young. I love my sister to death but it's hard for me to relate to her sometimes, and most times I feel more like a maternal figure than the sister/ best friend. I think it may be somewhat difficult that the kids leave half the week to go to their mothers. IDK. My mind is nearing full capacity.

And what about work? We can't afford for me to just stay at home with the kids. I'm freaking out and I'm not even pregnant. I guess I just like to have a plan and stick to it, and when you have kids or are planning to have a child nothing is set in stone.

Faith. I'm not a very religious person, but faith is what gets me through. On those nights when I cry coming home from a bad night at work, or the kids are having a bad day, or here lately get consumed by the thought of a child I don't yet have I just have to stop and take a deep breath and tell myself I'm blessed. Right now four little angels are sleeping in their beds (hopefully. they better be.) and they give me a reason to smile everyday. Even when they aren't with Chris and I. Also, my best friend. Chris. No words can possibly describe how great a man he is. I'm blessed and I know it :) Sometimes we just have to be reminded. In fact, writing this gave me that little reminder.

Until next time. Your maven.

To be or not to be.

So, I was thinking in my head what I would write about in this blog post when I came across a blog I follow (People I want to punch in the throat) and it was about over achieving moms and the birthday parties they throw for their kids.... and I swear thats what I was going to write about. lol. How excited I am to throw a big birthday party bash for my kids. Some of the things she downed in her blog were ideas I am actually considering. Love her blog, but it's not deterring me :)

The party will be in a few weeks, and now that we have it booked and a date set I am getting realllllly excited. Infact, as soon as I post this blog I will be on Pinterest :) It will be the first time that our two families and friends will be together and I'm excited for everyone to get to socialize and for the kids to have their friends from school come party as well :)

Finally got our tax refund back. Not exactly what we were expecting. Let's just say you can not avoid paying the government back for a student loan :/

And... my blood pressure was great, all week, and when I went back to the doctor :) The only thing the doctor wasn't happy about was my blood sugar. Apparently, I am insulin resistant. She wants me to diet and exercise for a month and come back. If it hasn't improved she wants to put me on medicine. I'm not diabetic BUT if I continue to eat whatever I want (bad things) I will be sooner rather than later. It's hard to explain how this makes me feel... I want to be healthy and I want to be in better shape, but finding the motivation to bring it to fruition is a whole other matter... Trying very hard to get my mind in the right place.

Also have an appointment later this month with an OB/GYN :) ready to find out what is wrong with me so I can move on!

Lots of changes in store for me. All for the good. March is going to be one busy month.