A lot on my mind...

So for the past few weeks I have had a lot on my mind. It's not really stressing me out, just wondering, day dreaming, contemplating...

I have went to the doctor several times the past few weeks, and I feel really blessed that Chris is able to get wonderful health insurance through Roper :) I haven't been able to visit a doctor in years unless I was near death. Visiting a womens doctor was out of the question so I went to the health dept for years. I have suspected for the past year or so that I may have PCOS, but as I have plenty of things to occupy my mind it stayed far in the back, squished in a corner.

Today I went to see Juanita Johnson. She was wonderful and as far as I'm concerned I will continue to see her. Kinda eccentric and lots of energy :) and she talked to me like I was a person not just a number. When she was asking me all the new patient questions she got to the one where they have to ask if you do any illegal drugs and she flat out asked if I smoked weed. baha. So anyways they did my annual exam nothing weird about that except the usual weird feeling you get when a strangers face and hands are all over you. Then she asked about my irregular periods. I told her, there is really not much to tell. When I'm on BC I have a period when I'm not, I don't. So she went through a list of PCOS symptoms with me and I had all of them but one :( Having PCOS doesn't mean I can't conceive, but it won't be as simple as just having sex for fun. I go next Monday for an ovarian ultrasound and blood tests. It's pretty much to confirm what she already suspects. We even discussed my options once I am diagnosed.

I guess what I've been thinking about the most is that I wanted to have this perfect pregnancy, without complications, and without being high risk. It's possible that all that can still happen but my chances of gestational diabetes (I'm already insulin resistant), preeclampsia, and miscarriage go up. I was so positive at first but I can feel myself literally being worn down. It seems like everyone gets pregnant so easily or it just accidentally happens... I'm not obsessed with having a baby at this point which brings me to another reason why my mind is in over drive.

I take care of four now, and I'm not getting the big head or anything but I think I do a fairly good job at being Step-mom. I want to be able to give my very best to my little baby. Will I be able to? I don't want to wait  too long to have a baby. Gabe just turned 10 at the beginning of the month and the twins will turn 7 at the end of the month. My little sister and I are almost a decade apart and I know first hand how difficult it can be growing up with a sibling that young. I love my sister to death but it's hard for me to relate to her sometimes, and most times I feel more like a maternal figure than the sister/ best friend. I think it may be somewhat difficult that the kids leave half the week to go to their mothers. IDK. My mind is nearing full capacity.

And what about work? We can't afford for me to just stay at home with the kids. I'm freaking out and I'm not even pregnant. I guess I just like to have a plan and stick to it, and when you have kids or are planning to have a child nothing is set in stone.

Faith. I'm not a very religious person, but faith is what gets me through. On those nights when I cry coming home from a bad night at work, or the kids are having a bad day, or here lately get consumed by the thought of a child I don't yet have I just have to stop and take a deep breath and tell myself I'm blessed. Right now four little angels are sleeping in their beds (hopefully. they better be.) and they give me a reason to smile everyday. Even when they aren't with Chris and I. Also, my best friend. Chris. No words can possibly describe how great a man he is. I'm blessed and I know it :) Sometimes we just have to be reminded. In fact, writing this gave me that little reminder.

Until next time. Your maven.