This is America right?

This is America right? I have rights don't I? Free speech? Ok (whew!) I was starting to think I was living in a communist country ruled by bitches. lol.

Over it.

This past week has been fairly uneventful with the exception that I made some pretty darn good money this week. The only day that totally sucked was Sunday. Worked a double for $50. Puke.

Today I had to take Ethan to the eye doctor and ended up keeping him out the whole day. He even went to the chiropractor with me (and wanted to get adjusted. lol) I told him maybe some other time.

Went to some yard sales Saturday and came away with some sweet steals. A lot of houses only had baby clothes. They grow out of them so fast and don't really play in them so there is a lot of resale as far as infant stuff goes. When your kids are older though clothes get grown out of just as fast and they are usually worn from play. I did find a t-shirt for Ethan though, several winter things for Mary, a Melissa and Doug birthday cake (very cute), a copy of "What to expect when your expecting." for $1, and the entire series of Little House on the Prairie books! I have mentioned before that I LOVE LOVE Little House on the Prairie books. This was by far my favorite find. ME=NERD.

Then today I had to deal with some rubbish. I'm not going to talk any smack. The fact is this: I love my family. All of them. I love my step-kids and to be honest I never think of them as my STEP kids. They are just my kids. When I was growing up I called my STEP dad Jim but I thought of him as my dad. I had two dads. When I introduced people to my mom and step-dad I never said step-dad I just said dad. What's the big deal really? I bust my ass working 40+ hours a week to help feed, clothe, and meet the needs of four kids that didn't come from my womb. Is it too much to ask that I just be able to call them what I want to? I'm not in a competition. I don't buy them food b/c I want to look better than their mother. I don't buy them clothes b/c I want to look better than their mother. I don't do ANY of the things I do for them b/c I'm trying to "replace" or compete with their mother.

I DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.

I DO IT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A MOTHER DOES.

I'm not going to stop being a mother and I'm not going to apologize for being me. I have always been that person who is willing to give the shirt off their back or the shoes off their feet for someone who needs them. I would be ashamed of myself if I took a step back from my duties to provide for my family simply because someone gets offended that I call my step-children my children.

I was reminded of this saying today that I've seen a 1,000 times on Father's Day hats and shirts.

"Any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy"

The same can be said for mothers. I have never said that their mother couldn't do for them, but why should I be expected to do less?! Should it not be appreciated that I love them and enjoy my time with them?

Unfortunately I feel like this is something that I will be battling for many years to come b/c I will not give in. My step-children deserve the best of everything this world can offer them and I intend to make sure they get it.

I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I am determined.

Rollercoaster.

                                                                       "After a While"

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

 

 

I copy and pasted this from Angela Amick. It stuck with me and it moved me because it's true. Yesterday I went back to the ob/gyn. I'm starting to think I may need to change doctors, not because I think he is making the wrong choices for me, but because he talks to me like I don't have a brain. :/

 

After telling me I shouldn't go on a low carb diet and a lecture on how metabolism works I got yet another lecture when I told him I had started seeing a chiropractor after reading some online articles that it can POSSIBLY help with fertility.

 

"The endocrine system is my area of expertise and your spine has nothing to do with your ovaries."

 

O.K. but along with the spine come 1,000's of nerves which control your entire body. It's like the super speed way for the body and it's functions. I still think that chiropractic adjustments can help improve fertility, maybe not for everyone, but I'm still going. I LOVE my chiropractor! It feels so good to go and have him work out all my kinks.

 

The next few months are going to be sooo busy. Basically, we are on the downward slope for school. The last day of school is June 1st, and I'm ready! Summer break isn't even here yet and I'm thinking about the next school year. Hopefully, Ethan will be with Mary's teacher of this year. We love Mrs. Morgan :) and next year Gabe will be in 5th grade :( I'm already building anxiety about Middle School... Especially b/c he will have to go alone without his brothers and sister :( I'll be a basket case this time next year!

 

Random ramblings.

 

Also, this weekend I'm getting a clothes line! yayyy! You may think this is no reason to get excited, but anyway to save money is a reason for excitement. When you do an average of 2 loads of laundry a day, a chance to not use the dryer as much is a good thing! I have been continuously looking for ways for us to save money.

 

Home made laundry detergent.

 

Raw milk and eggs.

 

When the kids aren't  too dirty having them all use the same bath water (don't judge me lol)

 

Consignment and Thrift store shopping.

 

Losing the movie channels.

 

What else is there???

 

This Friday is the Special Olympics and I'm super stoked to see Gabe and Joey. Just bummed I won't be able to stay the entire time. Gotta love the Roadhouse. Puke. Well going to get off here and clean up a bit and then maybe fit in a nap.

not all it's cracked up to be.

These past few months have really been a doozy for my body. I'm 24 and I'm falling apart! Not really, but sometimes that's what I feel like.

I've been going through all these different emotions lately. Sometimes I'm happy other times I'm sad or beside myself... I keep telling myself things aren't that bad and that going to the doctor is what's best for me right now and that going to the doctor is what's going to make me better. BUT I'm sick of going and hearing bad news, and I've been taking Metformin for a month now and honestly don't feel any different.

Then I think - Right now Chris and I have so much we need to do to the house and the kids keep us so busy. It'll be good for us if I don't have a baby right away.

... and I know this is true, but when I see people pregnant and see them planning their baby showers and talking about what bottles they are going to use and discussing baby names only a part of me can be happy for them, and I don't like feeling that way :( I've thought maybe I'm not jealous that they are pregnant, but that they could get pregnant. And it may seem  silly but having a womans body that doesn't function the way a womans body should can make one feel a little less than attractive, a little less like a woman.

I stay busy most times but it's when I'm not busy that I dwell on it. It's when everyone is asleep at 2 a.m. and I'm still awake looking on infertility message boards trying to relate to women who are going through what I'm going through that it fills my mind up so that I don't sleep well. Can I just fast forward to when my ovaries start working? lol.

I've always been that person that keeps a smile on their face no matter what. I'm still smiling through it all, but it's not easy. I don't want people to think I'm being a pansy or making a mountain out of a mole hill either. I don't deserve to have to go through this and it sucks that I have to. Why can't the lazy women who don't want kids have bad eggs? I like kids, and I have crappy eggs.

Seriously frustrated. Go back to the OB/GYN monday and I'm hoping they will do another ultrasound and I'm hoping my ovaries look like snickerdoodles instead of chocolate chip cookies. Fingers crossed.

Do Not Consume Alcohol While Taking This Medication.

So the kids were on Spring Break this week, and I honestly have to say that I love having them out of school. We get to go do fun things and I don't have to worry about the daily grind of getting them up and ready for school, taking them to school, running my errands while they are in school, getting them from school... you get the point. It's all about SCHOOL. I'm ready for summer break already. Can you tell?

Well we started the week out with a day at home, we did make a trip to the park for a picnic, but that was about it. Tuesday we went to the zoo, and I was a little worried how the kids would behave, me taking them by myself. They did great though :) They really are some of the best behaved kids I have ever seen. They make me proud and I love when we get compliments on how well mannered they are. They went to stay with their mom for 2 days then came back to us. Had to work a double shift on Friday which blowedddddd. Then I called in sick Saturday so Chris and I could take them to Gatlinburg for the day. It was the first time they had ever been and we had soooo much fun!!!

First we went to the Ripley's Museum and they really enjoyed getting to look at all the weird and crazy stuff in there like the two headed cow. There was one part of the museum where it gets dark and there is some scary stuff and there is a treasure chest type thing and when you open the lid it lets out this high pitched I'm being murdered scream and it scared the kids to death! Gabe literally screamed too and jumped back, poor kid :( Then we went to the Mirror Maze which was super cool. I was afraid we were going to lose one of the kids in there. Its dark and there are red lights on the floors and spinning doors and techno music... Ethan kept dancing in the mirrors. He really is a good little dancer. The next Usher or Chris Brown. lol. Next we went and had lunch and while we were there saw a kid who couldn't have been 10 drinking a Monster Energy drink.... Really? I had no idea that a CHILD needed more energy?? I would NEVER let the kids have an energy drink. I swear sometimes I question the intelligence of parents. Just b/c a parent isn't a drug dealer or snorting coke doesn't make them a GOOD parent. There are some dumb people in this world and that child's parents are two of them. Then we went to the Ripley's Aquarium :) I have been to this aquarium several times and love it. I was so glad the kids loved it too. They loved looking at all the fish and they LOVED the water tunnel with the moving sidewalk. Then the kids got to spend their Birthday money in the gift shop, they really liked that. After that we were  going to ride the trolley back up the strip but it was like a 20 minute wait so we just walked. I wanted to get one of those old timey photos made but they said it was $35 dollars for 6 people and that's only one copy and additional copies are $10. Wow. Those people are making a killing. They advertise it takes less than 5 minutes to do and they make $35 bucks? I still want to do it. lol. but we skipped it this time round. Ben and Jerry's was next for icecream and then back down to Pigeon Forge where we played mini golf with my friend Brandi and her son Ashton (aka Ethans new best friend) and then they joined us for dinner :) OVERALL... the trip was a success and we can't wait to go back. I told Chris if I got nothing else out of our one day vacay it was that as parents we have to be doing something right, b/c I saw soo many spoiled, bratty, poorly behaved children. As parents we have to remember that we are raising a child to adulthood. We should be teaching the manners, values, and morals from day one, not just getting through the day to get to the end.

Gatlinburg = FUN!

Today I had to work, but we went to the in laws this morning and had Easter breakfast and then the Easter bunny came and the kids got to hunt eggs. I had to leave in the middle of it all to go to  work :( but I was glad I didn't have to work my usual Sunday double. We were slow today which was weird. Last Easter we were on a wait forever and our kitchen crashed. Today we got a little pop and then it was over. I did ok. Then after work I met Chris and the kids at my parents house. The Easter bunny came there too! The kids got to hunt eggs again then we set down to ham, potato salad, green beans, mac n' cheese, and corn on the cob with pina colada cake for dessert. Then my sister and niece and nephew came over for awhile to play with the kids.

Its been a very busy week, but I love it. I'm tired as hell, but I love it. Also, I'm still taking my medication the doc put me on. The longer I take it the side effects keep decreasing so I guess my body is getting used to it. The biggest thing is that it makes me a little nauseated right after taking it, but its not too bad. Go back at the end of the month so we will see what he says :)

Got. to. get. off. here. so. so. tired. lol.

It'll be alright :)

So today I went to the doctor AGAIN. This time to see the OB/GYN Dr. Anderson. I didn't have to pay a co-pay this time (sweet!). He pretty much explained to me what PCOS is. I just patiently listened to him. I didn't want to tell him I had looked up every website known to man over the past year and knew exactly what it was. Better to let him feel like the professional (feed the male ego. lol) He was very nice but I hope when I do get pregnant I can go back to seeing the midwife. Until then Dr. Anderson told me he wants to see me as my condition makes me higher risk :/

Instead of the Clomid he put me on Metformin. Honestly, I am A-OK with this :) The more I thought about the Clomid the more worried I was getting. Yes, I want to have a baby, but the thought of possibly being pregnant before the end of April was scaring me. Chris and I still have debt that needs to be paid and things to fix at the house. Plus, when you take Clomid your chances of a multiple birth goes up (1 in 10). Chris already has 4. Mary and Ethan are twins... We do not need twins. lol. If I can get ONE fat healthy baby I'll be happy.

 So the doc wrote the prescription and told me he wants to see me every month for the next 3 months. The Metformin should stabilize my insulin, which in turn will help me lose weight, which in turn will hopefully allow me to naturally start my cycles again. I'm much happier with this. Maybe I'll get a bit more time without a bun in the oven and get some things done, and lose some weight so I'll be a healthier preggo when the time comes. I went and got the Metformin filled and started taking it today. So far so good.

AND the kids birthday party went great :) we didn't have many people from their elementary school come but I know with  ball season and the fact it was on a Sunday didn't help, but it was great having  our families together. What's most important is that the kids had a great time. The weather was great (I was afraid it would be too hot on Gabe) and the food was awesome, and the cake was even BETTER! The wind was even blowing hard enough to fly kites :) I go to pick up our pictures from TS Photography tomorrow! So glad I decided to have someone take pics, b/c I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It's just awesome knowing that the kids have sooo many people that care about them and love them :) They are four very lucky kiddos.

Well, I'm going to hop off here and get some rest. Busy day tomorrow. Going to start putting in some apps. Logans can kisssssss ittttttttt.

Chocolate chip cookies.

So since going to the doctor I have debated whether or not to continue to blog about my personal health. At times it almost seems too personal. I feel like I want to keep it a secret. Not sure how to explain why I feel that way, but I do.

PCOS is THE most common reason for infertility, but yet when I mention it to people they have no clue what I'm talking about. And yes, more than likely I will be able to have a baby. But really the word INFERTILE stings, and every time I go to the doctor and they say it... it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I went to the doctor again Monday for the ovarian ultrasound and labs. I have to say that as much as I'm beginning to hate going to the doctor I LOVE my midwife. I think she is a hippie angel. lol. really. She told me before I went to the ultrasound room that if I had cystic ovaries they would look like pearls or Swiss cheese or chocolate chip cookies... I thought they looked most like chocolate chip cookies. My ovary being the "cookie" and the cysts or follicles being the "chocolate chips". kinda gross. It was clear as can be and they didn't even wait for my labs to come back to put the official diagnosis on file.

What now?

Well, I go back next Monday to see an OB/GYN at the same office. From what I understood from my midwife I will take a prescription to jump start my cycle and then begin taking Clomid. I'm nervous and I'm scared. Yes, this is what I want, but I keep asking myself am I really ready? Everything will change. 80% of women who take Clomid will ovulate and 50% will get pregnant. Who knew that getting knocked up was so hard? Am I ready to add an infant to the mix? Am I ready for the disappointment if the Clomid doesn't work for me?

And I'm a pansy. I don't want to be sick :( I haven't thrown up in over a decade. seriously. I do not want to break the record now.

And Lord help Chris and I if we have multiples. I won't even think about it.

Tomorrow is picture day and as soon as Gabe got home today he said, "Put on the bathing suits and wear for picture day!" No can do pal :( Although that would be pretty funny.

This Sunday is the kids big bday bash. I'm sooo very excited for this! I love that our families will get to socialize and that the kids will have friends from school come to see them. It should be a blast! I just hope it doesn't rain :/

And Joey turns 9 tomorrow :) They are growing up soo fast. He is getting so tall (still skinny), and he has improved by leaps and bounds socially and academically. His vocabulary has sky rocketed the past year :) I am soo proud of him!

Well I need to get off here and get the kids stuff ready for tomorrow.

A lot on my mind...

So for the past few weeks I have had a lot on my mind. It's not really stressing me out, just wondering, day dreaming, contemplating...

I have went to the doctor several times the past few weeks, and I feel really blessed that Chris is able to get wonderful health insurance through Roper :) I haven't been able to visit a doctor in years unless I was near death. Visiting a womens doctor was out of the question so I went to the health dept for years. I have suspected for the past year or so that I may have PCOS, but as I have plenty of things to occupy my mind it stayed far in the back, squished in a corner.

Today I went to see Juanita Johnson. She was wonderful and as far as I'm concerned I will continue to see her. Kinda eccentric and lots of energy :) and she talked to me like I was a person not just a number. When she was asking me all the new patient questions she got to the one where they have to ask if you do any illegal drugs and she flat out asked if I smoked weed. baha. So anyways they did my annual exam nothing weird about that except the usual weird feeling you get when a strangers face and hands are all over you. Then she asked about my irregular periods. I told her, there is really not much to tell. When I'm on BC I have a period when I'm not, I don't. So she went through a list of PCOS symptoms with me and I had all of them but one :( Having PCOS doesn't mean I can't conceive, but it won't be as simple as just having sex for fun. I go next Monday for an ovarian ultrasound and blood tests. It's pretty much to confirm what she already suspects. We even discussed my options once I am diagnosed.

I guess what I've been thinking about the most is that I wanted to have this perfect pregnancy, without complications, and without being high risk. It's possible that all that can still happen but my chances of gestational diabetes (I'm already insulin resistant), preeclampsia, and miscarriage go up. I was so positive at first but I can feel myself literally being worn down. It seems like everyone gets pregnant so easily or it just accidentally happens... I'm not obsessed with having a baby at this point which brings me to another reason why my mind is in over drive.

I take care of four now, and I'm not getting the big head or anything but I think I do a fairly good job at being Step-mom. I want to be able to give my very best to my little baby. Will I be able to? I don't want to wait  too long to have a baby. Gabe just turned 10 at the beginning of the month and the twins will turn 7 at the end of the month. My little sister and I are almost a decade apart and I know first hand how difficult it can be growing up with a sibling that young. I love my sister to death but it's hard for me to relate to her sometimes, and most times I feel more like a maternal figure than the sister/ best friend. I think it may be somewhat difficult that the kids leave half the week to go to their mothers. IDK. My mind is nearing full capacity.

And what about work? We can't afford for me to just stay at home with the kids. I'm freaking out and I'm not even pregnant. I guess I just like to have a plan and stick to it, and when you have kids or are planning to have a child nothing is set in stone.

Faith. I'm not a very religious person, but faith is what gets me through. On those nights when I cry coming home from a bad night at work, or the kids are having a bad day, or here lately get consumed by the thought of a child I don't yet have I just have to stop and take a deep breath and tell myself I'm blessed. Right now four little angels are sleeping in their beds (hopefully. they better be.) and they give me a reason to smile everyday. Even when they aren't with Chris and I. Also, my best friend. Chris. No words can possibly describe how great a man he is. I'm blessed and I know it :) Sometimes we just have to be reminded. In fact, writing this gave me that little reminder.

Until next time. Your maven.