These past few months have really been a doozy for my body. I'm 24 and I'm falling apart! Not really, but sometimes that's what I feel like.
I've been going through all these different emotions lately. Sometimes I'm happy other times I'm sad or beside myself... I keep telling myself things aren't that bad and that going to the doctor is what's best for me right now and that going to the doctor is what's going to make me better. BUT I'm sick of going and hearing bad news, and I've been taking Metformin for a month now and honestly don't feel any different.
Then I think - Right now Chris and I have so much we need to do to the house and the kids keep us so busy. It'll be good for us if I don't have a baby right away.
... and I know this is true, but when I see people pregnant and see them planning their baby showers and talking about what bottles they are going to use and discussing baby names only a part of me can be happy for them, and I don't like feeling that way :( I've thought maybe I'm not jealous that they are pregnant, but that they could get pregnant. And it may seem silly but having a womans body that doesn't function the way a womans body should can make one feel a little less than attractive, a little less like a woman.
I stay busy most times but it's when I'm not busy that I dwell on it. It's when everyone is asleep at 2 a.m. and I'm still awake looking on infertility message boards trying to relate to women who are going through what I'm going through that it fills my mind up so that I don't sleep well. Can I just fast forward to when my ovaries start working? lol.
I've always been that person that keeps a smile on their face no matter what. I'm still smiling through it all, but it's not easy. I don't want people to think I'm being a pansy or making a mountain out of a mole hill either. I don't deserve to have to go through this and it sucks that I have to. Why can't the lazy women who don't want kids have bad eggs? I like kids, and I have crappy eggs.
Seriously frustrated. Go back to the OB/GYN monday and I'm hoping they will do another ultrasound and I'm hoping my ovaries look like snickerdoodles instead of chocolate chip cookies. Fingers crossed.
I LOVE some snickerdoodles! Hang in there girl. You ARE more woman than most I know. It is just your eggs are a little scrambled. Why are we talking food here???
ReplyDeleteAs a woman with PCOS, I understand your pain. I tried for over a year to have a baby. I set a deadline for myself (first mistake) and kept getting more and more disappointed when the little blue lines didn't pop up on the stick like I envisioned. Amazingly enough, I conceived my son on New Year's Eve... the last night of the "deadline." I know that it would be impossible for me to carry another child without medical intervention, and I'm ok with that. My ovaries may be dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean my life is. I am still a woman. I am still beautiful and sexy... even on the days where I feel too lazy and depressed to shower. :)
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