everything

So, things around the Gilbert household have settled into a routine.... of sorts :)

I'm currently off mon-wed which has been a life saver as far as my sanity and school work goes. Of course I am a procrastinator but I have decided that this is just part of my personality and I should embrace it. lol. I give my first big speech next week and have decided on the topic "How to make a Litter Box Cake" should be fun and tasty (hopefully). I'll be sure to post pics on my next blog :) I have to say that my least favorite class is Art Appreciation. I thought that it would be my fave and that it wouldn't be all that difficult. Honestly, I don't think the class has to be as difficult as it is for us to learn the material, but the instructor is.... I don't how to explain it.... weird. I always thought that I was an artistic person until I had that class. Now I realize that while I do like some things I do not appreciate all art. I'm ok with that. A triangle with two blue squares looks like.... a triangle with two blue squares and I can't derive any more meaning other than that. lol. I've decided that if I can make a "C" in the class I'll be more than satisfied. In all my other classes I'm making A's. Ballin.

Work = Easy Peasy. I sub on Tursdays and Fridays and work Sat and Sun. I'm already getting attached to my kids there. I'ts hard not to. I love that I look forward to seeing their little faces. I've been in the infant room most nights. For the most part it has been wonderful but I have had a few wailing fits that have made me want to run to the hospital to have my woman parts ripped out. lol. I love feeding my little babies though. They make the sweetest sounds when they eat :)

Chris is great. Always so helpful. Marriage is about being a team in all things. It shouldn't fall on one person to do more than the other. Chris and I ask each other how each others day has been. He will ask me if I slept well :) or would I like him to cook :) We are always concerned about the other and it's genuine not just to shut the other one up.... I think. lol. I just feel blessed to have such a great husband. It's rare I take him for granted and when I do I'll quickly catch myself. We are planning a little 2 day get-a-way next week to Tellico and I'm so excited to see that river again and take a trip down memory lane :)

I have a busy day ahead but I just wanted to get this down... She has been on my mind lately. I don't want it to seem odd. I've been thinking about Holly almost everyday. It's not that I'm dwelling on her and her death b/c I'm not. Sometimes she just crosses my mind quickly and sometimes the whole way home I'll think of her. Memories. Also, I've dreamed of her twice now. Both dreams have been very weird.... In both dreams I was aware that she had passed but she was still there. The last dream I had was a few days ago and in my dream she was happy, smiling, and pregnant.... I've lost people that were close to me before but I've never dreamed about them or thought about them so much. I keep wondering why that is? Maybe, b/c I'm older now. An adult with a family and children. I think of Addy and Preston everytime I think of her. I don't have a feeling of sadness either. Just thoughts. Maybe b/c the pink ribbon is EVERYWHERE is why she is always on my mind. Who could help but think of her when you see it?

Alright, well it's time for me to go and tackle the day!

a good day gone bad

I had planned on blogging today full of mirth and good spirits.... but.... I'm totally wiped out :(

I'm sitting here with a glass of champagne and a stack of homework and notes so I should make it snappy.

Things have been swell around the Gilbert household. I have started school with a bang. I hope I can keep up the good work through the semester. I can tell you it's not what I thought it would be. Funny how it wasn't what I thought it would be the first time around either.... In spite of my awful mood this very moment I'm optimistic about finishing my college career and moving on to greener pastures. I can't wait to have my own students and class room.

Also, I have started a job at Childcare at Volkswagon. So far, I love it. I've only worked there 3 days but I feel like it's going to be a great group of people to work with and my schedule is really the icing on the cake. I couldn't have found a better place and schedule. On my first day a little boy, 4 years old, came up to me and the first thing he said was, "My dad drinks beer!" Then he proceeded to tell me how much and how often he drinks. Kids are so observant.

So, why am I so drained?

I was doing good until the kids got home from school. We went over to my MIL for a cupcake and the kids were outside playing. Everything was peachy. All of a sudden Joey was having a COMPLETE melt down. Hands over ears, crying, and screaming. I went to him but for several minutes I couldn't console him or reel him back in. It's frustrating. To make matters worse Mary and my neice Pressley thought it was funny. I got angry at first, but even at thier age we have avoided discussing with them anything regarding autism. So, yea, they know Gabe and Joey aren't like them but they don't KNOW. I waited until we got back to our house to sit and talk to them. I don't know how well I explained things... but I tried my best. It was hard to talk to them with a knot in my throat :( He was just fine and then it was like someone flipped a switch and he was completely consumed by fear. Sometimes he hates to walk in grass. He says "It's too loud." Of course, I don't hear the grass, but he does. I don't know what flipped that switch but even after the screaming stopped he didn't want to walk through the grass.

Came home and continued with the usual routine. Supper, homework, and baths. I had the girls in the tub when I heard a thump. The sound was in the back of my mind b/c the boys are always making loud noises and wrestling. When I came out of our bathroom, Chris had Gabe on the bed, and I knew right away what was happening. I've mentioned before that Gabe has seizures. Even after 3 years I haven't witnessed Gabe having a seizure. For that I'm thankful. I went to grab Gabes diastat (kind of like an epipen) Chris and I administered the medication and waited. Even now I can't stop the tears....
It wasn't a bad seizure... and I wasn't scared. I just felt the worst sense of helplessness. My heart just broke. My sweet Gabe trapped by his own body.

I love my step-children, and I wouldn't hesitate a second to take their place when they are sick or feel heartache. There was nothing I could do. It only lasted a few minutes but I'm still just so sad. A little while after it happened I went in our bathroom. Shut the door. Set on the side of the bath tub and cried. I know it probably won't be the last time I see Gabe have a seizure, I'm sure that I will always be able to take care of him, but I know everytime I'll cry.

And now somehow I have to get my mind wrapped around my text books....
I just hope that tomorrow is better.