a good day gone bad

I had planned on blogging today full of mirth and good spirits.... but.... I'm totally wiped out :(

I'm sitting here with a glass of champagne and a stack of homework and notes so I should make it snappy.

Things have been swell around the Gilbert household. I have started school with a bang. I hope I can keep up the good work through the semester. I can tell you it's not what I thought it would be. Funny how it wasn't what I thought it would be the first time around either.... In spite of my awful mood this very moment I'm optimistic about finishing my college career and moving on to greener pastures. I can't wait to have my own students and class room.

Also, I have started a job at Childcare at Volkswagon. So far, I love it. I've only worked there 3 days but I feel like it's going to be a great group of people to work with and my schedule is really the icing on the cake. I couldn't have found a better place and schedule. On my first day a little boy, 4 years old, came up to me and the first thing he said was, "My dad drinks beer!" Then he proceeded to tell me how much and how often he drinks. Kids are so observant.

So, why am I so drained?

I was doing good until the kids got home from school. We went over to my MIL for a cupcake and the kids were outside playing. Everything was peachy. All of a sudden Joey was having a COMPLETE melt down. Hands over ears, crying, and screaming. I went to him but for several minutes I couldn't console him or reel him back in. It's frustrating. To make matters worse Mary and my neice Pressley thought it was funny. I got angry at first, but even at thier age we have avoided discussing with them anything regarding autism. So, yea, they know Gabe and Joey aren't like them but they don't KNOW. I waited until we got back to our house to sit and talk to them. I don't know how well I explained things... but I tried my best. It was hard to talk to them with a knot in my throat :( He was just fine and then it was like someone flipped a switch and he was completely consumed by fear. Sometimes he hates to walk in grass. He says "It's too loud." Of course, I don't hear the grass, but he does. I don't know what flipped that switch but even after the screaming stopped he didn't want to walk through the grass.

Came home and continued with the usual routine. Supper, homework, and baths. I had the girls in the tub when I heard a thump. The sound was in the back of my mind b/c the boys are always making loud noises and wrestling. When I came out of our bathroom, Chris had Gabe on the bed, and I knew right away what was happening. I've mentioned before that Gabe has seizures. Even after 3 years I haven't witnessed Gabe having a seizure. For that I'm thankful. I went to grab Gabes diastat (kind of like an epipen) Chris and I administered the medication and waited. Even now I can't stop the tears....
It wasn't a bad seizure... and I wasn't scared. I just felt the worst sense of helplessness. My heart just broke. My sweet Gabe trapped by his own body.

I love my step-children, and I wouldn't hesitate a second to take their place when they are sick or feel heartache. There was nothing I could do. It only lasted a few minutes but I'm still just so sad. A little while after it happened I went in our bathroom. Shut the door. Set on the side of the bath tub and cried. I know it probably won't be the last time I see Gabe have a seizure, I'm sure that I will always be able to take care of him, but I know everytime I'll cry.

And now somehow I have to get my mind wrapped around my text books....
I just hope that tomorrow is better.